I’m done. I can’t cope anymore. I’m not strong or brave, I’m the weakest person I know and this past week has proved that. I put on a brave face each day and I’ve run out of ‘brave faces’.
I’m currently a week into a hospital admission due to Sepsis, which was found to be in my Hickman line (central line in my chest that all of my meds are put through. I am still currently waiting for that infected line to be removed, so I can have a course of antibiotics with a CVC line (central line in my neck) and a new long-term line refitted when my body is free of infection.
I came in acutely unwell with a temperature of 40.6 degrees celsius and that in itself made me a bit delirious for a few days, but we were all relieved that my COVID-19 swabs came back negative, so Coronavirus was not the issue.
They took blood cultures and grew a whole list of infective bugs from my line. “It’s life threatening to leave it in”, “each time it’s used it could infect your heart and kill you”, “this is more serious than you realise Katie, there’s a 20 – 25% chance that this will kill you if we don’t remove it quickly”.
Despite wanting to do anything and everything possible to save the line, it seemed that I had no choice but to remove it….
….we are now a week on, and each day they’ve cancelled it late in the evening. It makes me question how serious this really is.
There will be people who think I’m being dramatic, rude, selfish etc. but I’m sure that those who think that are the ones who’ve never experienced it for themselves. I’ve been nil by mouth for 4 days now. 4 DAYS. But they just don’t care.
The worst part is, I’m not allowed any visitors and I’m so homesick. I have no possessions with me; just what I went in the ambulance with. I’m in a bay with 4 other patients, yet the nurses can’t find 5 minutes out of their day to come and talk to me, yet treat everyone else with optimum care. It’s lonely and it’s horrible.
An added complication is the line tore slightly today when I was hallucinating. For those of you who know my previous history, know that I’m Cyclizine Dependant, and whilst waiting for my dose today, I tried to get out of bed (which I only do when I’m confused), and it pulled on the line. Now I’m being accused of purposely breaking it (which isn’t true at all), but I’m being treated as if I’m an attention seeker & ex-drug addict.
I just want this over with. I just need them to remove this line because it’s holding up the process of going home and I can’t stay in this hospital for much longer. I can’t cope for much longer and I’m causing problems everywhere.
I’m sorry for the negative post, but I’m broken physically and mentally, and really am struggling through this time in hospital on my own.
On a slightly different note, I’ve had no Easter Competition entries at all, and it seems that people aren’t interested in taking part in either Bravery Bottles or any of the other things I put my time and effort into organising SO, I’ll keep this open until I’m home to keep my family – mainly – updated, and then I think the project has had it’s time. I will write a post to follow before that happens.