Despite the fact that I don’t always see (nor believe) it myself, I am more than a list of diagnoses on a computer screen and medication on a prescription script. Thank Equally though, my health at present is at rock bottom, and when I think that my health can’t deteriorate any further, a new health complaint crops up!
As well as giving real time, real life updates on my health (in a ‘diary-like’ fashion, if you will) my blog also provides more in depth information about the medical conditions from which I suffer (in both technical and layman’s terms), the symptoms that I present with personally, the medical adaptions I have and need, my past medical history (from childhood through to falling ill), my journey to diagnosis & the fight for proper care (that only continues to be made more difficult, despite the obvious deterioration in my health).
Chronic illness affects each and every part of my life and so can’t be ignored/forgotten about – even to give my body a beeak for 1 day (something that I’m sure that many other people who have multiple, complex health conditions like myself can relate to).
There are times where I’m in control of my health and can live my life with my illness in the background, but also are the days where the opposite is true, and my illnesses take precedence, meaning that the only choice I have is to plan my life around them. [Unfortunately, the latter has been that way for the past few years now, and continues to be the case still].
I am currently bed-bound (as I have been for nearly 3 years now) by debilitating illnesses, and spend the majority of my day completely dazed by a cocktail of drugs on a daily basis, all prescribed in an attempt to ‘control’ the life-limiting and life-threatening symptoms (that no doctor, to date, fully understands or can explain).
The knock-on effect of these illnesses are on the mind as well as the body, and for me, the worsening of my physical illnesses (in the past year especially) have began to play catch-up with my mind; resulting in mental illness diagnoses, which I’m not ashamed to say, are really taking their toll which – after being submerged (nearly overnight) into a world of illness and hospital admissions isn’t all that surprising!
Aside from my own health, being an inpatient & witnessing heartbreaking situations and conversations amongst families who are being challenged with the inevitable; life/loss, for/not for CPR, and what’s in the best interest of their relatives who are experiencing awful symptoms, being kept alive by machines, and grieving with them as they lose those closest to them.
However, I’ve tried to put on a brave face through it all (albeit an ever-growing, steroid induced, ‘moon face’), and that isn’t always a true representation of reality – more how I want people to think I’m feeling.
My aim now, is finding bravery within myself to incorporate my life as it really is, into my blog posts that to expose my more vulnerable side in my posts (as well as my posts of positivity and updates).